Never Bet with a Detective
by crematosis
Summary: Matsuda and Aizawa overhear L and Light talking about things that will leave them mentally scarred for a long time. LxLight


A/N: This is another silly one. I love writing humor stories for Death Note. It's just so easy. Light is such a drama queen and L could say just about anything with a straight face. It's awesome. And Matsuda is hilarious too.

Disclaimer: I don't own L or Light…if I did, they'd be making out hardcore constantly.

It was late afternoon in investigation headquarters. Everyone had noticed that L was well, twitchier than usual. L announced that he was allowing everyone a rare break while he dragged the handcuffed Light with him to take care of the personal business that was making him twitchy. Most people celebrated their break by heading to the vending machines for a snack. But not Matsuda.

Aizawa wandered down the hallway, pausing to see Matsuda's head pressed against the wall next to L and Light's bedroom door.

"What are you doing?" Aizawa growled. "Ryuuzaki will be mad if he catches you eavesdropping."

Matsuda peeled himself away from the wall to press a finger to his lips and hiss at Aizawa to be quiet. "Come listen to this," Matsuda whispered breathlessly.

Against his better judgment, Aizawa reluctantly pressed his head against the wall.

Inside their bedroom, he could hear L and Light talking in low voices.

"Stop wiggling, Ryuuzaki," Light hissed. "It'll hurt less if you stay still."

"But it will hurt," L countered. "I do not like pain."

"It won't hurt much. Honestly, have you never done this before?"

"No," L replied dully.

"Seriously? I would think that everyone has-"

"I have not,' L cut him off. "I do not make a point of allowing foreign forms of moisture to enter my body."

"That's fucking disgusting, Ryuuzaki. Why do you put it that way?"

"Knowing me as you do, why are you surprised?"

"Yeah, knowing you," Light muttered. "Now, hold still, okay? I don't want to have to tie you down so you won't squirm."

"I will not struggle," L said quietly. "I am a willing participant."

"Good."

There was a moment of silence broken by a rustling sound and a muffled yelp from L. "That stings considerably."

"I told you to hold still, idiot! Now, stop squirming. Let me-"

"To the left, Raito-kun. Please control yourself."

"I am! Come on, let's get this over with."

Another strangled gasp from L. "Raito-kun, do you not know how to aim?" L demanded.

"I'm sorry, Ryuuzaki. You were just..."

"This does not atone for the fact that I have liquid pouring down my face…salty liquid."

'Goddamn it, Ryuuzaki. You don't have to eat the stuff. Good grief."

"Kiss it better?" L asked softly.

"What are you, five? I'm not going to kiss your…what?"

L and Light's voices dropped down to a faint whisper that the two shaken men could not hear.

Aizawa backed away slowly. "Oh god…his father will be furious. Th-those two? No way…no way."

Matsuda waved him back. "Hey, they're going at it again."

"No, I've heard enough," Aizawa said firmly.

"Just listen," Matsuda hissed.

Aizawa cautiously pressed his ear back against the wall.

"You can't be serious," Light snarled. "You really think so?"

"I know so," L said emphatically. "I shall prove it to you."

The door opened suddenly and L peered into the hallway. "Matsuda and Aizawa-san," L confirmed.

Aizawa turned around with a startled gasp of surprise. "We were just…we were…uhh…"

"We won't tell," Matsuda supplied hastily, looking quite ashamed to be caught.

"You won't tell anyone that Raito-kun has been putting eye drops in my eyes? Well…that's a relief."

"Eye drops," Aizawa repeated with a hollow laugh. 'Oh, so that's it then."

L cocked his head to one side. "I am curious to what else it is that you thought we were doing."

"Oh, n-nothing. Nothing at all. I'll see you back in the room." Aizawa sprinted back down the hall.

"I knew you weren't doing anything, I swear," Matsuda said quickly, darting back down the hall after him.

Light scowled at L after the other two had gone. "Seriously, they thought we were having sex?"

"I cannot help that Raito-kun chose such interesting dialogue," L murmured. He padded back into the bedroom.

"Oh yeah? You're the one muttering about 'foreign liquids' and crap like that. It's like you tried to give them the wrong idea."

"Indeed," L murmured, chewing the tip of his fingernail. "It got their attention didn't it?"

"That's cheating!" Light growled.

"It is not," L said sternly. "Our bet was made solely on whether the team would be curious as to what we were doing. They certainly were. Our dialogue only kept their interest long enough for me to detect their presence. It did not lure them here."

"Fine," Light replied with an aggravated sigh. "You win. Matsuda is understandable…but Aizawa threw me for a loop. Woo for you and your detective skills, I guess."

"You do not sound very excited, Raito-kun."

"Why should I be?" Light growled. "I lost a fucking bet."

L's eyes glimmered. "Ah yes. A 'fucking' bet."

Light looked nervous. "Y-you don't want me to pay up right now, do you?"

"No, I suppose not. They are expecting us back any moment now. We must not let them believe they were right."

Light licked suddenly dry lips. "Yes…let's go back. We mustn't keep them waiting."

L leaned in and brushed his lips against Light's ear. "But remember, tonight…. I am on top."

Light shuddered. "Do we always have to decide these things with bets?"

L shrugged disinterestedly. 'Of course, you could always let me take you whenever I feel the urge to. Spontaneity is-"

"No," Light said hastily. "I'd rather take the tiny chance of beating you than be forced to surrender."

L nodded. "That is sufficient, Raito-kun. You win approximately twenty percent of the time so I agree that the odds are in my favor. Perhaps Raito-kun secretly enjoys being the bottom and allows himself to make foolish bets?"

Light snorted. "Yeah, right. I just like fighting with you. Better a bet than a fistfight though. We still come to the same end eventually. One of use wins and we take it out on the loser."

L nodded. "Come, Raito-kun. Let us rejoin the others. And this time, please think up a valid excuse as to why you will be unable to sit down tomorrow."

"It's all your fault for being so damn sadistic," Light growled.

"You would do the same thing to me, if ever you got another turn," L replied boredly. He didn't wait for Light's scathing reply. Instead he started down the hall, dragging the disgruntled teen behind him.

Of course, L knew that Watari was watching and had heard everything. But he didn't let on to Light. It would make for another interesting bet.


End file.
